Day 48 : Unspoken jealousy

For many years, my siblings were the golden children as far as grades go. I was just average at best when it came to school much to my parents’ headaches. Unconsciously, they kept praising them for laser sharp focus on their studies while I was not 110% in it because I disliked my major (DOR’s behest that I change it just FYI). As a result, while I was happy for their success, I was somewhat envious that they had it easier than I ever due to them not being autistic. I often sometimes have these fantasies that I was never autistic and not being impulsive and somewhat black sheep in the family and that I was treated as the same like my siblings. I never told people this because they would look at me like I’m nuts and ungrateful for everything. Which is not completely true. It’s like an emotional prison at times to be grateful for everything I had gotten. Which I’m truly I am. But it what it is. I’m just telling it like it is. Most people would feel the same feeling as well. It’s not my siblings’ fault that I feel this but still though I used to have those feelings for many years. #ungrateful #humble #blog #blogger #emotionalprison #grateful #blacksheep #autisticadults #autistic #jealousy #resentment #brutallyhonest #envy

Day 47: DMX

Yesterday, many of us were heartbroken about the passing of the gruff voice legendary MC DMX. We all wept including me because his music spoke to a generation of the voiceless. Prior to X, Hip hop was getting soft quite a bit and becoming about radio friendly records. Then X broke the ceiling down and brought the realism, angst, horror core, and grittiness back into the genre and people ate it up from the moment he came out with get at me dog, his debut single. His stories are vivid, heartbreaking, honest and poetic. His rap voice was one of a kind. His stamp on hip hop cannot be overstated. His well publicized struggles with addiction eventually took a toll on him and the people in the music industry did nothing to help him legitimately like health insurance and therapy. That shows how shady the music business can be at times. They only use for financial gain and nothing more. His music will forever be classic because it was authentic and didn’t sugarcoated anything what he was saying. That’s what missing nowadays not just in hip hop but in music period. God bless you Dark Man X.

Day 46: Carrying a Grudge

For nearly most of my youth and adolescence and early adult years, I held a grudge towards the people that done me wrong and tortured and belittled me into a weak, silenced human being who didn’t speak up and say what wants out of fear making me people upset with me. I let that anger consumed me as long as it and that cost me years of my life that I can’t get back. Even though I was finally free the crutches of those vile kids from public school for good, I was still emotionally bruised from all that pain and heart ache of the kids’s verbal, emotional, physical and mental abuse that I had endured. As a result, I swallowed my feelings, my aspirations and my need to open up to newer people. It took me a really, really long time to finally be comfortable with myself. I learned that holding a grudge against the ignorant people will only lead you to bad decisions after another. It will also affect your health in a lot of ways. Don’t carry your anger with you in the long run. While you can’t forget what you have gone through, just forgive and move on and the devil will be off your back for good and you’ll be an entirely new person after that. Life is too short for old grudges. #littlethings #happy #feelings #thoughts #happiness #grudge #anger #grudges #grudge #grudgeaesthetic #grudgeblog #grudgesarefortheweak #love #blogger #blog #lifeistooshort #forgiveandmoveon #forgiveness #bullies

Day 45: Age is nothing but a number

Day 45: Age is nothing but a number — For an extended time before I even technically turned 18 years old and officially became an adult, I had these dense, foolish, naive assumptions that once I’m an adult that my family will take a backseat when it comes to interfering with my life choices and decision making. However, as I grew emotionally mature and became more transparent, I eventually realized that is further from the truth. Just because you are technically becoming an adult doesn’t mean you have the answers to everything. You are still young and have this phase of rebellion and wanting to have freedom and start doing adult things that you’re not quite ready for yet. I learned that hard way during my 20s. I made a lot of missteps in my life that I can’t get back. I was stubborn, hard headed, quick tempered, single minded and very impulsive. It drove everyone crazy because I was only thinking about myself, not fully understanding empathy at all. In retrospect though, I wasn’t really a person in my teens and 20s. I was completely unsure of myself as a person. Just a performance of a person to everyone outside of the family. I was lying to them about things to make it look I was one of them not being true to myself and being truthful about my disability. I was not in fully acceptance. Age doesn’t mean anything actually. Only your character, integrity, being truthful and your actions are what matters the most only to you but your family, real friends and your future family. #blog #blogger #ageisjustanumber #growth #transparency #honesty #autismawareness #denial #dishonesty #family #ageisnothingbutanumber #ageisnoexcuse #baddecisions #autism #truefriends #lyingtoyourself #mistakes #dontlookback #20s #teens #youngadults #immaturity #maturity #youth #18

Day 44: Cicely Tyson

Yesterday, there was some unexpected news that legendary actress Cicely Tyson has passed away at the age of 96. Before there was Viola Davis, Vivica A Fox, Halle Berry, Kerry Washington and many more, there was Cicely Tyson and Dihanne Carroll that was dominating Hollywood during the golden era and segregated era. Before both of these ladies, Black actresses were required to pimps, hos, maids and housewives. Roles that considered to be one dimensional and standing by the male character counterpart. Cicely came along and changed all of that. No matter how many times she was told no, she insisted on tackling that were rich and complex like the male roles. Her trailblazing performances made a lasting impact not only on the black community but on Hollywood as well. The next generation of black actresses have followed her lead after that. She continued to dazzled the audiences for seven decades and had different fans from all ages and credences praising her work from different projects she’s done. Along with Dihanne Carroll, Cicely has transcended what black women are supposed to seen accurately on screen. We commend her for trailblazing performances for decades. Without her, 95% of the black actresses wouldn’t have the longevity like she and Dihanne. Rest on, Cicely. Job Well done. #roots #tylerperry #cicelytyson #movies #janepittman #tv #television #blackactress #oscars #films #blackactresses #trailblazer #pioneer #miniseries #emmys #pavingtheway #influencer #heroes #blackhistoryfacts

Day 43: Randall Pearson

Sterling K. Brown’s portrayal of Adopted son and brother Randall Pearson on NBC series This is Us has been the most accurate portrayal of a three dimensional African American man that I’ve seen for our generation in television let alone network television. I felt like I seen myself in Randall in a lot of ways when it comes to anxiety, not opening, impulsivity, pleasing others, being an outsider in the family, wanting to stand out. Obviously people including the audience have a tendency to label him as selfish, controlling and consuming things and not always likable. But actors are more drawn to characters let alone a series that not only speaks to them personally but also reflects what is really going in the families and society as a whole. I can relate to Randall because I felt the need to set my dreams aside because I felt it was right thing to do something practical ( but like him, I was wrong). I never expressed my vulnerability to anyone in the family because I was deeply ashamed ( it was a huge mistake ) I can emphasize with him when it comes to impulse. Sometimes you think rationally and don’t even think about the repercussions of your choices you make. That happens in all cases including me. Sure I don’t always agree with his choices that he makes but that’s part of the complexity of rich, flawed characters. So I commend SKB for embodying a character that is not only deeply human but also someone every brother see themselves off and on screen. #blog #blogger #sterlingkbrown #thisisus #nbc #skb #anxiety #panicattacks #actors #blackactors #inspiration #socialcues #impulse #threedimensional #acting #drama #complexcharacters #flawedcharacters #relatble #outsider #vulnerability #expressyourself #africanamerican #potrayals #mirroringlife #society #familydrama #tv #television #networktv #human

Day 42 : Simple Things

Most of the time whenever I go to sleep, I sometimes reflect about my shortcomings as a kid, teen, and young adult. When I bring it up to people, it kind of rubs them the wrong way because sometimes they don’t need to all of those things about me since we are not family or close friends. Also, when I do the same thing to my family, they get really upset because we have discussed before and moved on and bringing up again is only causing another argument for no reason. But for me personally, I never intended to bring up the past to make people uncomfortable and re lived old wounds, I naively assumed that they would be sympathetic and understand where I’m coming from but not all people are like that. In retrospective though, I could have explained my past missteps a lot of better without being too direct but I, like most autistics, think differently. People indirectly for many years believed for a long time assumed that I was numb, that had no heart and feelings because of my impulsivity. But that’s further from the truth. I just didn’t know how to process my feelings properly because of my disability and know right from wrong and was stuck in my own bubble for a very long time to protect myself. By the time I got older and began to fully express all my emotions, I’ve started re remembering my past mistakes and start kick myself over it and realizes my family we’re only looking out for me, not against me. I was just too stubborn emotionally immature to see it then. That’s why I kept bringing up my shortcomings a little too because I wanted to let everyone know that I am not what they think I am, they just thought who I thought I was. But at the end of the day, the past is the past. Don’t beat yourself over it. What’s done is done. Learn from it and be free. I should have learned that lesson a long time ago. I hope you all people will learn from this. #blog #blogger #shortcomings #mistakesarelessons #mistakes #autismawareness #lessons #lessonlearned #haveaheart #numb #feelings #family #pastmistakes #define #letitgo #befree #alienation #moveon #care #recollections #reremembering #reflections #ignorance #impulse #smallthings #smallstuff

Day 41: Kamala Harris

On Saturday November 7, 2020, History has been made once again. For the very first time in American History, a black woman, a Jamaican woman, South Asian woman, daughter of immigrants, has been elected to become Vice President of The United States of America. 12 years ago, I was astounded that we had an African American for a President in our lifetime and that made an impact to the world for a lifetime and was an inspiration for black guys to reach for powerful positions, not become what people expect them to become: minorities and statistics. Now young black girls can do the same thing after this historical election and they can be whatever they want to be and not let the naysayers get to them anymore. The window glass has been broken once again and hopefully under Biden’s administration, things will get more peaceful and united, not divided and chaotic like it was under trump’s administration. I won’t be surprised if there was a female president in a couple years later. I commend Kamala Harris for proving that black girls can be as powerful in the White House like Barack did for black guys like me. We are hopeful you’ll do a fine job keeping the USA safe again. #pakistan #jamican #hbcupride #blog #blogger #blackgirls #immigrants #howarduniversity #howard #kamalaharris #kamalaharris2020 #joebiden #harrisbiden2020 #barackobama #presidency #blackpride #covid_19 #blackpeople #southasian #jamaica🇯🇲 #childofimmigrants #indian

Day 40: Outside People

Day 40: Outside people — One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned so far is outside people don’t really want to know anything specific about yourself. They would rather just let them move on with their lives and not burden them with something that has zero to do with them. Our biggest disadvantage with having autism is that when tell strangers that we have it without knowing how uncomfortable they will feel. They would look at you like you’re nuts because none of them have ever experienced something or someone with sever disabilities before and they just don’t want to know these things. So autistics: be very careful about how open you are when telling people about yourself. Some may understand but nearly most of them would be completely turn off since you are not really affiliated with them in any capacity and they would just look at you in a different way from now on. Not everyone needs to know about your struggles. They don’t what it’s like except you and your family. Family cares but the outside people just don’t. It sucks but that’s how the world works. #blog #blogger #autism #autismawareness #aspergerssyndrome #struggles #severedisabilities #disability #strangers #openbook #expressingmyself #vulnerability #impulsive #outsidepeople #familyiseverything #family #overthinking #lessismore #hardlessons #classmates #fakefriends #kids #teens #socialmedia #confessions #highschool #dontcare #dontcareanymore #lettinggo #movinon

Day 39: Vulnerability

Day 39: Vulnerability— Expressing my vulnerability has never been my forte when I was growing up. For years, a lot of people outside of the family assumed that I was a robot because I didn’t fully understand empathy, sympathy, irony, sarcasm and body language. Eventually, as I enter into my 20s, I started showing my vulnerability but just at the wrong place: social media. I told some deep stuff to people from social media who didn’t really know every inch of me except at school and they very uncomfortable and started blocking me as a result. Granted, they would rather remember for who I was back in high school, not for things that has nothing to do with them. Just check on them and wish them well with life. Also, I have had a hard time correctly expressing being vulnerable for the right reasons because most of my life, I have been a person with little to say. I always wanted to talkative like my dad is. But my approach is less than stellar, like my vulnerability. So autistics: while it’s okay to show your true colors, you gotta be careful with who you’re expressing it to because not everyone wants to hear what you have to say. Sometimes it’s better to keep things to yourself than telling them everything too deep and personal. That’s the main lesson I’ve learned. #strength #depression #growthmindset #acceptance #poetry #relationaltrauma #hope #loveyourself #emotionskills #gratitude #truth #motivation #resilience #support #meditation #blog #autism #vulnerability #approach #mistakesarelessons #mistakes #truecolors #vacant